Cosmiccrayola……thank you for your kind words of encouragement. They came at a much needed time for me. When people that know you tell you this stuff…you are always left to wonder. When someone knows you only through your words, and tells you then you know your words are achieving something good. Thank you.

And to address “just me” I think we all have a list in our minds of what we are looking for in life and from “someone” and there’s nothing wrong with looking for what you want rather than accepting or ending up with something you don’t want. And besides…love is so damn subjective. I’d rather be with someone I liked but didn’t love than be with someone I loved but didn’t like. You also said… “I just know this is the year you will meet someone significant”. Are you the next Miss Cleo? Just wondering.

in other stuff...

I think the whole world could stand in a room with me with arms outstretched and want to love me and right now I would run away. Because I don’t know how. I just don’t know how to love anyone yet. I know how to care, I know how to want, to ache. But I really don’t know the first thing about love. Everything I’ve learned from “him” this year tells me that I have never been in a relationship before.

I’m too concerned with me. I’m too bent to make myself straight right now. I’m too black to make myself clear.

$19 won’t buy you much in the world of digital cameras. I could however sell you a tube full of maxim integrated electronics for cheap if you like. And they’re not refurbs. But they’re not obsolete either.

My new keyboards not making much in the way of noise and my novels crying out of frustration. I’m not making pretty music over here.

I got pretty paper in my metal mailbox today. Thanks Jenifer. I paid $38 to have a metal box. And I have finally gotten one piece of mail now. And strangely enough I paid all that money to get my own words in the mail. I stood there wanting to cry. Because I should take my own damn advice. Thanks girl.

I need to get my money’s worth so…

PO Box 29044

St Petersburg, FL 33709

….oh and crappy handwriting is acceptable.

I’m all over the road and I shoulda just had a drink tonight. Its odd. As soon as I think I’m doing better, I fall behind and I wonder why I ever thought I was doing better.

Maybe because I now know. I feel the slip of the slide that makes me fall again. I used to only know I was on a ride.

I’m thinking I am going to paint my new walls someday. I’m going to write “I love you” on them first. To myself. I have to find a way. Maybe someday I’ll believe my own words.

I’m not sad. I’m not gloomy. I am struggling. I am scared. There is a difference.

I feel like a star that everyone wants to gaze at but no one thinks they can touch. And that sucks cause I just want a hug so bad.

I’ve been swimming in this Internet aquarium too much. I can’t believe this, but I’m ready to go back to work and I have to wait quite a few more days yet. I know…sick…

I need to go write that book, make a million and go to London and make a phone call. Or the Eiffel Tower to spit in the wind. I need to truly stop running away from myself. I’m never going to find me if I keep fleeing.

I long for a day when I don’t get this way at all. It happens everyday at some point for some period of time. A emptiness that I don’t understand wraps me up in its arms. And I don’t want to be sad. I don’t long to be sad. I don’t think about anything that I can pinpoint as being the reason for my sadness. I just feel empty inside most of the time and I try to push that all aside and yet there it always is again. Coming back. And no one can tell me why. No one can tell me how to deal with it.

I write down thoughts that most people swallow pretending that they couldn’t taste them.

I shouldn’t talk to anyone when I feel this way but I can’t pretend a smile when I’m drowning. I’m not like this all the time. This just happens to be that hour and I don’t want to act like it doesn’t happen. That’s a lie I don’t want to be.

Achin’ to Understand…