Ok…I have to do a editors correction on my previous Fuck Christmas entry…..here we go…
Emotional Tug of War SUCKS!!!!
What was with that? I think the only emotional tug of war I have is within myself.
I support you. I'm always there for you. I cheer you on. I smile when you smile.
This part was and is correct.
It's like in your eyes I can't do anything right.
I really know that this is not true because if it were he’s not a stupid man, he wouldn’t talk to me anymore. Simple as that.
One day it's good, then you pull away. I'm so fucking confused. Pull me close then push me away!
I think that he and I are close. I think we’ll always “be” close. I don’t think that time or distance could change that. I believe that once you build a certain relationship with another person, nothing can change it so easily. I think that if anything I’m the one that makes it complicated, because I am complicated. And because I flipped out sorta cause lets face it, I just wanted to buy the poster. Rather like a kid in the store pouting for a toy!
I think the real problem there is that I found out I can’t move out as planned. Why doesn’t he just say what’s really bothering him.
This was resorting to bringing up stuff that’s not even related to the issue at hand. Typical of a person upset.
I think I’m going to go get in my car and go on a vacation. Go somewhere for the holidays. Fuck everyone. Fuck Christmas. Fuck it all. I’ll spend $250 and go have a good time alone.
Totally irrational thoughts here. I don’t like what’s going on so waaaaaaahhhhhh I’m gonna run away. As if. I’m not in kindergarten. I need to grow up.
Wait…..whats that gonna help. I’m just going to move out and tell no one where I am. Simple. All problems solved.
Insult to injury on the irrationality.
I'm capable. I'm not stupid. You're not an asshole.... I'm a loser instead.
Now this line is classic. I am capable. I’m not stupid. He never told me I was incapable or stupid. What he did tell me was that I should save my money and that the poster would be there in a few months. He was looking out for me. He doesn’t want to see things not work out for me. He’s concerned for me. My problem is I’m so not used to anyone being concerned for me.
I always take the blame for everything. I just wanted a Christmas present from me.
Again…where does this stuff come from? You’d think that I’d now reduced myself to being 2 years old! Not the case…so I need to resolve that behavior and quick!
Fuck Christmas...I'm leaving.
Yup…I have all the answers now……..what a horrible thing to say about Christmas. Nope I’m not very Christianly. Maybe my viewpoints are rather slanted. I’m still finding my way. But Jesus ….I’m sorry.
Why can't you ever just say what you really mean?
This should have said. “why can’t I ever see what he’s trying to do for me?” Probably because no one’s ever looked out for me. I’m so not accustomed to it.
In a nutshell…I see a poster I want to buy. I don’t think enough about everything that I’m doing. He points it out. I don’t like what he’s saying because lets face it I just wanted the poster. Then I think about it and see his point. I need to save my money and think more clearly.
Him: How can we not argue so much
Him: when you showed me that poster i could of pretended it was splendid idea to buy it
Him: would of that been better
Me: no I don't want you to do that
Him: well its your money who am i to tell you what you should buy or not
Me: your looking out for me
Me: i know that
Thanks for looking out for me. Yup I coulda deleted that entry and just posted “Inaccurate Entry” but it was out there. The best thing to do is step up to the plate and state that I was wrong. Yeah…I was wrong.
But for the record I was thinking if 40 people out there sent me a dollar I could then have the poster and not compromise my future. ;-) Surely I have 40 readers???? 40 readers that thinkst thoust is so wonderful that they’ll chip in a buck???
this morning….
him: hey
him: guess what
me: a cow just walked thru your front door?
him: answer your phone
I love that he and I both have the same desire to work things out with each other. I think that quality has helped us maintain something good despite all the obstacles and mistakes.
For the record…”him” is my online friend. Friend that I think knows me inside and out. A friend that means the world to me. Friend that ….someday…..
Achin’ to make corrections…
PoeticaL
By the way…..I sign every entry “achin to..” because that is from a song PAUL WESTERBERG wrote….called “Achin to Be”
The lyrics are… again..(for those that don’t pay attention to everything!)