I have entered into this quiet mood. I don’t really feel like talking to anyone right now. I’m trying to get my head straight. For a few days I am resolved, then for a few I have to wonder and then for a few I am just confused. The clarity days are lasting longer and longer as I go. I think I’ll be ok after Christmas.

This morning when I got up I realized that this is crazy. All of this going to bed and not being able to sleep and then being tired all day. I really need to find a doctor and find out what my problem with sleep is.

I’m going to see Bernie tonight. I have been seeing him for a year now and I wonder how much I have learned from him. He just sits there while I pick a number from 1-10 for where I think I am at mentally. I think tonight for shits and grins I am going to place a – in front of all the numbers and then circle all of them. Let him sit and figure out where I am mentally all by himself. I get this way when I know I’m going in there to see him. It’s like mental torture to see a therapist sometimes. You already know that you are going to crack open your brain and most likely think about things that you spend the rest of your time trying to overcome and put in the past. But, all of this aside, I think that today I’m going to be informed that because of my recent pay raise I am going to not have access to Bernie’s services anymore. I have mixed feelings about this because I don’t think I gained as much from this therapist/therapee relationship as I would have liked. Strangely enough when I look at the past year, it is not Bernie for whom I would attribute the majority of my self-discovery and enlightenment to. I would attribute it to someone that never set out to be my therapist this year. I think I’m going to tell Bernie that too! Since I’m such a honest person now.

I’ve been doing some Christmas shopping the last few days. I love to buy presents. “Bucky” is getting a new bike. It’s a badass killer cool kind of bike. I like it. He’s also getting some games for his Game Boy Advance. And seeing that he knows that Santa is not real he told me last night that if I wanted to go to the used games place and buy him “more” games there because they’re “cheaper” that I could do that. What a cool kid. So I bought him six new games rather than a few. I did get him 2 new ones.

I’m still having these thoughts of getting myself a new tattoo for Christmas. I’m talking myself out of it even though I keep thinking about it. Strange. Someone told me that once I got one I would want more. And I laughed. But it’s true. I really want one. But I already have one. Grrr….I need to stop thinking about that. I’m also thinking about a new vehicle, but one bad mistake right now financially and I’ll be sunk again.

This morning I woke up singing a “The Pursuit of Happiness” song and I haven’t a clue why. A song called “Shave Your Legs”. I had this album ages and ages ago. When I was in the hospital giving birth to the “Bucky” monster someone busted the window in my car and stole about 25 CD’s. I never replaced this one because I never could find it again. I’ll have to do some searching. I do remember they had the best lyrics. Check out “Shave your legs”…that song is the one I was singing this morning! Does your brain just recycle shit over and over throughout your life or what? If you know where to get this CD..or you have it shoved in a drawer somewhere…lets talk!

TPOH Lyrics

That song cracks me up!

Achin’ for my own pursuit of happiness...