Something “he” said to me last night keeps rolling around in my head. I bought him a Christmas gift. I wanted to and planned to all along regardless of what happened with him. Christmas is Christmas and I wanted to give him something. I don’t quite know how this all came to be, but it just did. I think its one of the first times in a long time where I truly had a desire to give a gift. That itself is a gift, to want to be giving. It’s a nice feeling. I thought it was going to be rather hard to find something that he would like. But then the idea for it came to me. And it was fun. I am now wondering if he’ll like it. But I have reason to believe that I did a good job on this gift. So anyways, last night we were talking about it. And he asked me if I bought anyone else from “online” a Christmas gift.

The answer to that question is “No I haven’t”. I think that sometimes I don’t buy gifts because then I am making the other person feel obligated to buy me one. I mean if I buy someone something, then they have to buy me something or at the very least I have just bought them that feeling of feeling bad for not having gotten me something. In that case its better to do nothing.

In the case of “him” I would have bought him a gift even if he and I never ended up talking about it. No obligation required. I just felt that I wanted him to have something from me. I wanted to buy one present this year that came entirely from my heart and out of desire to do it. Sure I bought things for “Bucky” and sure that’s from the heart, but this is a different place in my heart. This is a different matter.

I suppose my wondering has to do with why did he ask me that question. He and I are supposed to be being friends. So why does this matter to him. How many gifts I’m buying or for whom? But I didn’t ask. I have learned that sometimes you just take things for what’s being said to you and move on. And besides, I have nothing to hide. I am not buying gifts for anyone else.

Yes I talk to other people online and yes if I was a millionaire I’d buy the world a coke, but then again maybe I wouldn’t. I’m not a person that gives of myself to the world. I give to those that matter. There are rather few that matter right now. There’s a long list of people that want to be close to me. But wanting that doesn’t equal getting that.

I guess it bothers me that he asked because it makes me think that “he” still doesn’t get the fact that the things I am doing, or have done where “he” is concerned are not the same as for anyone else. I cracked open my whole world to let him in. He never did anything to me to hurt me. Of course he has hurt me along the way. Not him really, just the fact that when you allow yourself to be raw for someone, they can certainly rub you the wrong way with ease.

Vulnerability is the hearts worst enemy.

But he never did anything to change my feelings for him. While his have changed, mine are still struggling to come to complete terms with everything. I think I am having a fair amount of success.

I think in the past I placed a far greater value on love than I did on friendship or a meaningful exchange with another human being. Love is not the end all that I thought it was once. Love is not the prize at the bottom of the cracker jacks box. Life’s greatest gifts are not a plastic toy, but rather the sweetness of the popcorn eaten to get there.

The journey should be as beautiful as the final destination.

It bothers me that he felt the need to ask. It bothers me that I have seemingly done nothing along the way for him to realize that he’s special to me.

Perhaps when he gets his mousetrap in an envelope (shhhh that’s what I got him for Christmas…don’t tell him) he’ll know he’s special in my eyes. Perhaps he’ll see that I truly do know him. I know what he showed me. I know what we shared. I just hope he likes it and smiles. How do you wrap that up? A smile…how do you send that?

I would much rather have friends like him in my life, than have the absolute greatest love imaginable. He made me believe that it is possible to have both with the same person. That’s a gift that you can’t order from e-bay! I’d just like to be able to place my bid someday…

Achin’ for Santa to come….

PoeticaL