While I do not wish to delete “him” from my life I do think that if he and I can’t find a way to write new and happy easy going chapters…and we’re going to keep reading this same wicked chapter of my mistakes repetitively then it’s time to put the book down. I never expected him to just “forget” the fact that I lied to him. I know that is something that is never truly forgotten despite how much desire someone might have to want to. He’s not bad or wrong for not being able to accept that wrongdoing on my part. He’s warranted for having his doubts and disappointments.

I would also like to say that there is a chapter of mistakes in there with his name on it. I think his mistake was “he” should have remained nothing but my friend until or unless I was a free woman. I think it was a mistake on his part to come talking to me about the ‘big picture’ with words like this…

“Taking what we have online..our thoughts…interests…feelings…care…experiences..and turning it into reality” < -- his words in my notebook!!!

It was wrong whenever I was a married woman. I believe that had we maintained a complete friendship based relationship while I sorted out my life or perhaps had I just taken that leave for 6 months that I talked about, then the time frame in which I felt lost and confused and lied to him…might not have happened. I am not blaming my lies on “Him”. No one moved my lips for me. No one forced me under duress to lie. But it was all too much too soon and probably at the wrong time. I was not the only one that made mistakes. Mine might have been clear and detrimental but I was not the only one. I myself could have also kept this relationship on the realm of friendship too. We both messed that one up. Not just “him” and not just “me”. But I forgive him, I forgive myself and I refuse to let regret destroy everything that was good about him and I spending time together.

The book of “him” will always be on the shelf of my soul as having been one of the best books I ever read. It was the sweetest non-fiction story with long term lessons learned. It just had no real pictures in it unless you count jpg’s, gif’s and bitmaps. But the awesome impressions that he made will be there for the rest of my life. I know this because I find myself thinking about things logically, I no longer jump on a whim. I have learned to take the time to read people and never assume a pretty picture because that happens to be what I want to believe a person to be. I don’t say this because “he’s” not the person that he claimed to be but because in the last 2 years I have trusted the wrong people after he told me that I wasn’t looking at things logically. I have learned to expect more from people than I used to and accept nothing less than what I deserve.

So ok..my newfound logic tells me that “hes” a great person and I have no hard feelings. I want to be his friend. I think maybe with time and not such a close involvement, at least for awhile, we will both find a place with each other that is a nice place. He’s one of the smartest and funniest people I know. And I harbor no bad feelings. Live and learn…. He’s going to make someone happy someday..maybe…lol….lol…c’mon I’m laughing!!! Take a joke….hahaha.

I think that if you just put things into the right perspective that then they don’t have to hurt you anymore. I have turned the page of pain and regret, frustration and tears and I am writing new thoughts, new smiles and new tomorrows. If he feels the need to turn back the pages (which I don’t think he does) I’ll simply and quietly remove myself from the situation as nicely as I can.

My future won’t happen for me by living in the past. There will be another “him” in my life someday. Someday does always come… But there is one thing I can guarantee anyone in life. Sometimes someday just turns into a beautiful memory of yesterday. But… hey “him” if your out there reading…. I know that one day I’ll see beautiful flowers growing in the field of my life…and I’ll remember who helped me plant those seeds once upon a time. I will lie in the arms of a man I love and see the stars and smile…. That man will not be you but I will never forget you. I hope someday you see an onion head with a bad hairdo and you can still laugh when you remember me.

I will never turn my back on you. Ten years from now if you found me at 3 a.m. I’d drop everything to be there as a friend for you. There will always be a girl somewhere that cares about you. Not because I need to or you need me to. But because I just do.

Achin’ to always smile…

PoeticaL

"This will all fall down like everything else that was This too shall pass..." – Rob Thomas