I think that I’m going to make up my own questionnaire and see if it runs it’s way around diaryland too. I’ll have to work on that one…. Hmmm.. I bet I could make an interesting one.

There are things going on in my life that make me want to “crumble” right now. But I refuse. I have learned too much in the last year to allow that to be the case. So I’ll take a deep breath and continue on with life. Life is going to continue whether I breath with it or stubbornly hold my breathe and turn blue. So breath in ….breath out….life goes on…

I talked to Dark last night. Some things in life are huge misunderstandings. Some things are just confusing. Some are just….the kinds of things that make me speechless and god knows that doesn’t happen to me often. I just know that he’s a very important person to me. He matters. And the friendship matters to both of us. There’s a mutual respect and I think we’ve been only “good” to each other. I think that anyone that has seen glimpses of it knows we have a good thing and they are jealous, envious, something…. Because everyone that comes across our poetry online, our words..etc… Well it seems like everyone wants to pretend to be one or the other of us in some way or another. Or just throw darts at the helium balloon that is our friendship. Well…never again. I don’t care anymore what anyone says to me. If you don’t know me, then you just plain don’t know me and therefore nothing you assume about the spaces in between my thoughts and my text is really very relevant now is it?

Dark…we’re friends. We’ll remain that way always. I won’t ever doubt myself again. This was all about self-doubt. I should have believed enough in myself, our friendship to simply shrug someone else off. It just threw me…. It won’t happen again.

In other things, I don’t understand how or why someone can speak to you for 6 hours and then berate you and start telling you everything that’s wrong with you and make you feel like a charity case. Fine… “he” helped me. He was there for me. He helped me get my head straight and figure out what I wanted in my life. But you know what, I made the decision to listen. To open myself up and be vulnerable and I changed. I’m sorry it was too late for his liking. I’m sorry I hurt him. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. I can’t be more sorry. But I also don’t have to let him cause me to me sit and cry over things I can’t change. I can’t change them even though I’d give my right arm to do so. I just can’t. I fucked certain things up and that’s just that. Why does he have to keep running razorblades across my heart? No he’s not to blame for anything that happened. But it happened. I can’t un-happen it. I can’t. I would un-hurt him if I could. I would rewind the clock knowing what I know now and do for him what I should have been doing. I just don’t understand how “he” can know me so well in one breath and then miss the whole picture of where I was inside back then and why I didn’t have the strength or knowledge to handle things properly. I never had anyone in my life like him. I just couldn’t see with clarity and understand it until I found myself curled up crying my eyes out in the midst of loss.

I don’t need “him” to talk to me. I care about him. I would do anything for him. I just didn’t know how to do that before. Before all of this and now that I’ve got certain things figured out, I wonder if he’s trying to hurt me back. Why’s he doing what he’s doing? Why? There is a reason behind everything he does. I just can’t figure it out. I’m so weary from trying. I don’t want to think about it anymore. I think “he” gets tired and just gets this way and I’m sick of thinking about it. I’m done. I’m finally done. I know he did everything in the world for me. I know I didn’t do anything in return. I was nothing but shit. I know already. Please stop telling me how wrong I was. How horrible I was. I’m drowning in the knowledge of it. There’s nothing I can do about the past. There is no future in the past. Please….

I want to open my eyes in the morning to peace. Next year I want to be content and looking forward to Christmas for the first time in years. I want to be jolly and silly and I want to have no regrets from the year 2002 and I want to smile and feel it throughout my body.

I don’t know that anyone really understands everything that I am and everything that is inside of me. It’s like if someone wants to know me…so be it. If they don’t…so be that too. I can’t control someone else’s decisions. I’ve been driving myself crazy trying to make certain wrongs right somehow. I have changed. But sometimes things just happen too late or aren’t meant to be certain ways.

“Bucky” got his yellow belt in Tae Kwon Doe. There’s a ceremony for it tonight. I really need to go get a digital cam for stuff like this. On Friday night he broke a piece of wood with his foot!!! How amazing that was. I was totally a proud Mommy. He broke his piece of wood with one solid right on target kick of his bare foot and they handed him his broken wood and he ran right over to me and handed it to me like it was his prize for me. It’s moments like that when I know that the best thing I ever did with my life was to become a Mommy. Bright blue eyes, a big grin...who can ask for more?

“The strength is not in one finger, one hand, or one foot…the strength you require is in your mind” – Master Richard. Like I’ve said before Master Richard…he rocks!

The strength I need is inside of me. Not “him” or Dark/Mad or anyone else.

A few things I want to say…Thanks to Wendi for being there and perhaps being the only other person that truly understands the poetic connection between Dark/Mad Prophet and I. I think everyone in the world wants that one person that is …. Dark is my ink. I’ve said it before and I mean it. He’s the person that encouraged me to keep writing, or backed me up when the rest of the poetic world tried to discourage me. He’s read everything I ever wrote and judged me not. And that is a rare thing in this world. Thank you

Dark/Mad…for your friendship and knowing that I’m a lost girl at times. Thank you for not turning your back on me in my moments of confusion. Thanks to trace for all your help with these classes…I got that link working and I’m jazzed up about learning again. Thanks to

missmacabre for the book suggestions. Skin is out of print but a good friend of mine up in PA found a copy at a used bookstore online and decided last night to buy it for me for Christmas. It’s on its way. A book about a girl that makes poetry out of steel??? Pretty cool stuff. I can’t wait. Thanks to

ninepoems for sending me those awesome Ani Difranco lyrics yesterday…was a nice surprise in my email. I love lyrics and Ani rules. And thanks again to john for helping me out with my image hosting problem. And ..um…thanks to “him” for giving way back when I had nothing to give in return. It meant the world to me then…still does. I would give back now if you let it not be too late.

And thank you god for Bucky…

Achin to see clarity in every tomorrow…