How do I know this? Because I feel that someone else unrelated that I trusted…lied to me. Dark lied to me. And Dark doesn’t seem to even realize what he did. And I can’t get it out of my head. I trusted him. Was there for him. Through a thousand lines of poetry, months of persecution and countless muttering’s of “if only…’s” and alas…..he lied to me. I feel that I was the best possible friend to him. I never lied to him. For whatever reasons I never felt anything but complete unconditional acceptance on his part and never felt weak and stupid…and I never lied. I hung my truth on my sleeve for him and now I wonder which is worse. TO have been truthful and been lied to or to have lied to someone as good a friend as “him.” Which still breaks my heart when I think about it.

I think that “him” should view me differently. I mean come on...someone lies to you...it does change your trust factor first of all. If you can’t trust someone with all your heart and soul then why in the hell would you want to share all of your heart and soul with them? It’s like a lie closes doors that used to open to accept all the hard rain breezes, all the sunshine…all the good stuff, all things.

I can’t say that “he” never forgave me, but I can say that he shouldn’t. I think that in this case the old adage…. “what comes around goes around” might come into play.

I think “he” leaves his door ajar and I feel lucky to be able to peak in and see if he's ok. I'd stand in the hall cheering him on even if he shut the door the whole way...but at least he can hear me mumbling with the door ajar.

Yes…I am a forgiving person and I’m sure I’ll forgive Dark. I’m sure I’ll overlook this. And the situation is different. The lie is different. But a lie is a lie is a lie. And I don’t want to be a liar and now I understand why “he” doesn’t want to live with one either. And it’s a hard slice to take when someone lies to you. The problem is a lie changes a persons willingness to give…to be open….it destroys beautiful things in one fell swoop. Quite sad the power a lie has.

Why after years of being lied to am I just now putting all of this together in my head? Probably because I am a forgiving person. I wasn’t raised in a stable normal house where people worked out their issues. I am maybe growing up, figuring stuff out and not liking some of the things I accepted before. And while I wish to work things out, I can no longer hide from the reality of what a lie does. It doesn’t matter who tells it or why. A lie = damage.

If Dark is guilty of lying to me, then he’s guilty of nothing more than what I myself did. But it still changes something inside of me. I know I’ll think twice about hanging my heart on m sleeve and being open towards that friendship anymore. I’ll hesitate before I speak. I’ll forever wonder if I’m getting the truth. Questions that go unanswered right away…will forever be questionable for me. I'll use my ink sparingly where before it flowed free.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry about all of this. I’m sorry for being so weak that I lied to “him” and I’m so sorry that I wasn’t a good enough friend to you Dark so that you could tell me the truth. I’m sorry if I’m totally misunderstanding anything. I’m so tired of being sorry, feeling sorry…hearing the word sorry.

I want to live in a world where that word doesn’t have to exist. And then people wonder why I’m mixing cement to build walls. I don’t want to be this emotional person anymore. I want to live, eat and breath logic. Logic tells me that this issue is sapping too much energy and I need to go crack a book and read it without skipping pages and when I look up from the text, maybe this whole mess will be gone and I’ll have spent my time more wisely.

All those months fighting logic in my head…only built this emotional mess. I never met a logical mess. Interesting. I’m hanging out a sign “Emotional vacancy within” and writing down a logical plan. Relationships suck….maybe I just suck at them!

Achin’ to build walls…

PoeticaL