Just as soon as I think I don’t want to matter to anyone or anything anymore someone does or says something that makes me wonder.

I opened up a door for someone that I said I wouldn’t ever do again. More good came from it than bad, but now that the door didn’t lead where I thought I wanted I’m having a difficult time.

Logically I understand every issue involved. But my heart won’t dance along the path of logic and so I’m left always dragging it behind me bleeding along the concrete. I long to feel nothing anymore. I want to reach out to everything, but I’m tired of feeling burnt somewhere inside for having wanted to believe in love.

Love, my notions of if have definitely changed in the last 2 years. What I used to think I knew about love, those things are fleeting at best. I want to not want anymore. To not need anymore. And if love is to ever be mine, its goin to have to knock down my door screaming and yelling in glory.

Thank god for friends. Thank god for my son. Now if I could just stop seeing everything I lost along the way, if I could just not know how great the sum of it was. If I could just break it down into tinker toy pieces and make something silly with it that could make me laugh and smile. Then I might feel ok. Really ok. 99% of the time I am completely ok with it all. Then that 1% comes back and I’m holding my head in my hands washing my limbs in the rain of my own tears. It is that 1% that makes me never want to want again. That 1% when I know exactly what I destroyed and then I crumble.

I want to build walls that won’t crumble. Won’t tumble down around me. I want to have something so concrete that I know that no one can climb above what I have built for myself. I can’t lose anyone or anything if I don’t let them inside in the first place. I am tired of those cuts in my soul that never seem to heal the whole way.

I want to make friends with numb. I want to never place my hands on a piece of glass and believe in what stands at the other side of it. I want to burn down lala-land and dance in its ashes.

I want to save myself from my own worst enemy…me.

Achin’ to be…

PoeticaL