“HAHAHAHAAAA. Nice entry in your dairy lol. Brad Richdale's techniques for successful direct marketing lol. You’re gonna lose your tentative audience. They don’t care about business strategies. They only want to hear about new problems you incur in your life and all the gloom your living day to day. Must keep those ratings high! LOL.“

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This brings up something I have been grappling with the last week or so. When you know you have an audience does it affect what you write and why? I believe that it does to some extent. I’m certainly not going to talk about things that are way too private in a public forum where everyone’s linked to everyone. But on the other hand I believe that the things I do talk about are to please no one but myself. Yes I think I have leaned more towards a narrative style of writing. Almost like a daily forum in a newspaper or something. But this is my life. I myself find it to be rather boring stuff. But then again that might be because I am privy to the juicy stuff that is deep within.

Secondly, this brings up another issue. Why does anyone read what I have to say? I am really no one. A blip on a computer screen, a character born for the Internet world so to speek. Surely no one truly believes my name is PoeticaL. Although wouldn’t that be a nice name for a cat or something? Hmm…maybe I’ll get a cat when I move out. They’re small and easy to take care of. And now when I type “PoeticaL kicks a cat she doesn’t have….” In chat (out of frustration of course) I could change it to “PoeticaL kicks PoeticaL's ass” well you know what I mean. I digress…

My point being who am I really? Am I me for me or am I me for you? I keep claiming that I’m on some sort of journey to find myself. I think I keep running away from me because I’m so used to the chase.

So…someone told me I put a lot of thought into my entries. While that is a nice compliment it just isn’t really true. I sit down in front of my pc and I ramble. Sure I am a writer and so I clean up my language and my punctuation *grinning at qwenllian* because I do that with everything. I do that with emails too. Its just something that you do when you’re a writer. So…NO I do not put a lot of thought into my entries, unless you count the fact that I just happen to think a lot all the time even when I’m trying to clear my mind.

Ask anyone who knows me, HAHAHAHAHA…that is if you could. Since you don’t know anybody that knows me…you’re screwed….but if you could they’d all tell you the same thing about me. I think think think too much. I analyze everything a thousand times. Someone in my life thinks that I don’t understand because I retreat into old conversations over and over again. It’s not that I don’t understand. It’s more that I want to become one with my understanding.

Believe me, this entry is not for your viewing pleasure. This is self-examination at its PoeticaL finest. I do this stuff inside my head for hours. This is why I can never sleep. How can a brain that’s active this way ever stop and sleep. I sleep when my physical body is exhausted to the point where it kicks my mental ass and wins. My therapist, Bernie, tells me that I shouldn’t talk to anyone for a few hours before I go to sleep. He says that I mull over conversations because I am so concerned about what certain people think about me to the point that I let it eat away at me and therefore that is why I can’t sleep. But Bernie is in my opinion a person only his mother could love, and therefore he’s not viewing my life from the perspective of a healthy normal human being. He’s seeing it from the viewpoint of some dumb ass book he was required to read in college. And besides, that theory would hold water if it weren’t for the fact that I took his advice and he has been deemed to be wrong.

I think that regardless of how many times you tell yourself that you don’t care what other people think, it is in the end untrue for us all. We weren’t created to live singular lives. We were designed to mate and multiply. And I’m pretty sure that Jesus intended people to talk to each other since we have vocal ability. So…in light of that news, sad as it is to admit, it does matter what other people think. I think the key here is to determine a healthy level of “degree” that it matters. To what degree does a particular persons opinion count?

I myself measure this by the value that I have personally placed on that person due to my opinion of him or her. I think that the entire world is a ladder of sorts. On a mental level if someone is a rung above me I look up to his or her opinion. If they are below me…they can kiss my ass easily. Enough said!

This excerpt from this email also brings up another point for me in this sentence… They only want to hear about new problems you incur in your life and all the gloom your living day to day. Hmm….gloom and doom….as I look back over my diary I have to say that I don’t see a lot of gloom and doom. I see regret, struggle, and seeking. There is no gloom and doom in that. Believe me I could conjure up some major gloom and doom to talk about. I myself am sick of feeling those things. But said person has a valid point.

When my song was released on CD..I had tons of people tell me that I thought I was better than them somehow because of that accomplishment. Nothing about me changed, but everyone around me did. I imagine that someday when I have major success I am going to lose lots of friends. People don’t like when you skip a rung on the ladder ahead of them because they feel they are then in position to kiss ass. They’d rather you were the ass kisser.

When bad things happened in my life and I spoke freely about them, boy could I draw a crowd. This is entirely fucked up and should be reversed. People should gather for happy and ignore bad.

Another thing….must keep those ratings high! Even I had to chuckle at this. I mean….high for who? So I win some diaryland award for most readership? What would it be? A giant gold “D” that I could sit on a shelf? Maybe a certificate for achievement to frame and hang on a wall? Paaaaaaaaaleaseeeeeeeee.

I think having this diary for the last few months has had benefits and drawbacks.

Benefits : I have met the challenge to explore my thoughts and write something every single day from within. I have interacted with a few interesting people on diaryland and have got some good leads on good books, movies and music…etc. I have read tons of stuff here that is amazing introspective stuff that I have learned from.

Downfalls: What a waste of Internet space this diary is. Someone’s bitching somewhere because their email is so slow and I am the cause of it with all my mindless drivel clogging the highways. Everyone’s a critic. While I get great comments, I have had people become so judgmental that it amazes me. And one of the strangest downfalls I have encountered is that when someone stopped talking to me, he could still come to my diary and have parts of me at his disposal. I went through a stage where I wondered if that was a good thing or not.

In the end, I’m doing this for me, myself and I. I wrote this and documented this because I had to sit down with myself and talk to myself.

Achin to Understand Fully….

PoeticaL