Tuesday, Nov. 27, 2001

"my own space to sleep"

ok...so I can't sleep. I tryed. I really have to go see a doctor about this. It's really freaking insane because tomorrow afternoon at 3 p.m I'll be falling asleep dead. I just don't get this. And I have to address it logically and with a plan once and for all. I was almost asleep and then one of my dogs barked, then the moment of pure exhaustion was gone.

I think I need a bed. That princess and the pea kinda four poster bed that makes me feel safe and secure at night. I think I need a chest to lay my head on. I think I need stars above me and nothing but wide open spaces around me. Fields of daisys or tulips lining themselves up like soilders against the wind. And crickets singing me a song.

I was just lying there thinking about apple pies on windowsills and dreams that I've never dreamed before. I have a thousand thoughts going on in my head like every night when I should be sleeping. I can't lasso them in. They're like stars scattered all over my sky full of thoughts. I can't catch them. They're like ligtening bugs on a summer night. Elusive and beautiful.

And in the middle of it all I started to hear this song from long ago....

Don't close your eyes

Don't close your eyes

Don't sing your last lullaby

-Kix

I think there's something that is strangling me from being able to let go and relax. Some undone task that haunts me. Some dream that I haven't been able to breath life into yet. And yet all these other things coming up are coming at me like green army men ready for battle. And I have a gun...but it's shooting rubber darts.

I want boxes of books and stacked up CD's and all my things organized. I want my "own". Ya know. This to be "my own". Everything to be "my own". I don't know where this came from but it's here inside me all the sudden.

I want to one day call "him" even though that's probably taboo now...and just say in the middle of my own space.."I did it!" I have this glimpse of myself in a mirror one day smiling at my own reflection. It's hard to imagine "him" not being a part of that.

Its hard to accept that he doesn't want to be a part of my future when I finally now can see without those rose colored glasses.

"Now I lay me down to sleep...I pray the lord my soul to keep...if I should die before I wake..I pray that happiness be his to take."

Achin to be....ASLEEP

PoeticaL

To find a dream and a life of their own

A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

-Dixie Chicks

poetical at 2:12 a.m.

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