1. "He" taught me to believe in myself

2. "He" also taught me that I am the master of my own fate

3. "He" helped me see beyond my problems to get to the solutions.

Fuck you if you don't understand.

Fuck you for thinking you can begin to.

Just plain fuck you because you don’t matter.

I will defend "him" always. That's what it means to have something "real" and to have known someone “real”. My hands are no longer empty. When I open them I see the future. That is a gift that "he" gave freely. I did a lot of things wrong. I don't intend to smash up that gift too. And I sure as fuck don’t intend to feel that I can’t speak freely in my own damn diary or in my own damned life because of anyone ever again. I also don’t intend to let anyone tarnish what’s in my heart.

Can you see your destiny or do you just cling to the hopelessness of it all? Do you understand yourself or just complain to others that no one understands you? Do you have a vision of where your life is going? A vision of where you'll be in a year? 5 years? Or are you just waiting for life to hand you something good? Are you pissing and moaning your current days away waiting for a future that never comes? Do you make all of your decisions on a whim and a chance? Do you know yourself in the light of a hard cold reality and still like yourself or are you hiding in a corner somewhere hoping that things will just get better?

Life is not about the car you drive. The girl or guy you just fucked or the chocolate cake your getting for dessert. Life is about connecting inside and out. It's about waking up in the morning and being content because you like yourself. You are one with yourself.

It's about planning and doing. It's about following through. It's about the truth. It's about reality. It's about recognizing your weaknesses and making yourself stronger so that you can look in the mirror and smile. Not for anyone else but for yourself. Do you love yourself more than you love anyone else? You should. Because until you do how and why should anyone else want to? And until you do how can you love anyone else?

Life is not as hard as we make it. My life is not as bad as I convinced myself it was. I started to drown in my own sorrows. I lost myself to them. I gave in to my weaknesses. It happens but its not happening anymore.

Yes, a lot of things happened to me in my past. I’m sure lots of shitty things will happen to me again. That’s how life goes. It’s not easy. But I’m not going to sit around and whine and cry about it. I’m going to move on and up and never look back. He was right when he told me “There is no future in the past.” You can’t ever look ahead or go anywhere else that’s ahead of you if your car is always in reverse.

That is not who I am anymore. I struggle. I will always struggle. Good things in life aren't handed to you like free candy. You have to first want them, then you have to plan for how you're going to get them, and then go after them and let no one get in your way.

Much like the M&M’s in a vending machine. You can’t stand and shake the machine and think they’re going to fall out. You can’t plead for them to come out. You have to find yourself a quarter and if you don’t have one you have to earn one. (Some obstacles seem impossible but if you go back to the beginning and work your way through you’ll see that there’s always a way. Just jump the hurdles and keep going.) Then you have to put the quarter in the machine, follow life’s instructions and then and only then can you reap the rewards that are to be found. Nothing in life is easy. Nothing is cheap or free. If you want life’s M&M’s figure out the rules and get them the right way. No magic fairy is going to put them under your pillow. No wish is going to make life better. No fairytale dream is going to come true. You and only you are in charge of your destiny.

You...over there....reading my words...guess what? Yeah you... I don't give a rats fucking ass what you think of me. Know why? Because if I did, I'd start to live my life for you. My life is mine..and mine alone. I have no one to please in the end but myself. The me that lays in bed at night and looks at the ceiling. That is all that matters. Yes it's selfish. But until I can be at one with me, I am worthless to you and you...and you standing over there too.

I was lost. "He" met a lost girl. "HE" saw something worth investing his time in. I thank god "he" could see that because I couldn’t then. I thank god for answering all my prayers for guidance. You who think that Jesus doesn’t exist….I pray for you. Because I know that he does.

I said I wasn't going to talk about him again here. Guess what? "He" is a part of me now. He always will be. How many people have you touched in your lifetime that will carry parts of you on into their future? I don't know that I've ever succeeded at doing that. Ever. "He" did.

I am a better person for having known him. I am sad for having been too messed up to see what I had. But I am more determined to take everything I learned and turn it into something positive. And I am very thankful that “he” can still see something in me that can allow him to be my friend despite how much I disappointed him.

I can do anything. I used to "need" him to tell me that. I don't need that anymore. I know it is fact now. It sunk in. No one's going to wash it away with his or her stupid words or actions towards me. Ever. It’s all there inside my soul like concrete...set in stone.

I will someday be...in whole not in half only..the girl I have missed, longed for and tried to be all along. I am finally a different girl. I am on the right path for my own happiness. I am going somewhere good. I’m not yet there…but I’m going there. I know that I am someone good. And I finally can say that I love who I am. I think I’m pretty fucking special.

I am just "me".