On the drive back from Orlando last night “Bucky” was sleeping on the backseat all sticky faced from cotton candy….sweet. I threw my Matchbox Twenty CD in and when this one song came on I cried like a baby…tears pouring forth like there was no tomorrow. It didn’t help that the song “Leave” was next but I just cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. The tears were hot and it has been so long since I really truly let myself cry that way. Alone and pathetic…sobbing loud and free. The tears just poured steady and it felt like this big release of all this pain I’ve been bottling up over a lot of things. I don’t intend on looking back again. I’m determined not to find myself feeling that regret for the rest of my life. All the “I should haves” aren’t going to bring anything good back…they’ll just destroy everything good in my tomorrows.
The lyrics that broke me were…
Bed of Lies
No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am
Don't think that I can take another empty moment
Don't think that I can fake another
hollow smile
It's not enough just to be sorry.
Don't think that I could take another talk about it
Just like me you got needs
And they're only a whisper away
And we softly surrender
To these lives that we've tendered away
No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am
Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over
Don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong
Where it's not enough just be sorry
Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in
Tried to be more than me
And I gave 'til it all went away
And we've only surrendered
To the worst part of these winters we've made
I am all that I'll ever be
When you - lay your hands
Over me
But don't go weak on me now
I know that it's weak
But God help me I need this
I will not sleep in this bed of lies
This song never broke me before…
So…yesterday….Islands of Adventure was fun. Really fun. I had a blast. But I also paid a lot of money for the joy of “waiting”. Yes…you know what I mean. (enter Tom Petty’s voice here..) “The waiiiiting is the hardest part.” Waiting in lines…”there is a 45 minute wait” got to be pretty normal. And “Bucky” just made the height restrictions limit by a hair. Good thing he didn’t get a haircut recently. I noticed my brilliant child was on his tippy toes when they measured him. He’s not stupid…must take after me!
My favorite roller coaster is Dueling Dragons. I love to be suspended with legs hanging going a go’zillion miles per hour. I gotta thank “him” for that word. I have noticed that I say it and use it a go’zillion times a day. It’s the one thing that has stuck for sure. And I say the word “dude” not at all now. I did a neat exchange…word for word. I have to say that I feel at peace where “he” is concerned. We’re friends. And that’s sometimes the best gift that life can give us. I’ve learned some valuable lessons and I’m putting them in my back pocket for life. Life’s a long ride…I have a better running car to drive through it with now. Enough of that…I said I wasn’t going to look back…I cried it all into memory.
I went to K-mart today with “Bucky”. I have to say this and I admit it with a smile. I think that Martha Stewart is the bomb. I dig all that stuff she’s currently raping the consumer for. I like it a lot. I would ask for everything Martha if I was signing up for a wedding registry….(speaking of which…why can’t you sign up for a Divorce Registry….I mean you only have half of what you used to have…right??? Maybe Hallmark will catch on and we’ll have a new holiday soon! Maybe I need to get a job at Hallmark and facilitate this occurrence.)
I want to have a Martha green kitchen in my new place. C’mon I know she’s a dyke with too much time on her hands…but she’s also a rich dyke with a lot of business “skillage”. I gotta admire her. She’s up there with Oprah for powerhouse women as far as I’m concerned. I also think she has great taste in dogs. Afterall….I have two chow chows. So does she. I didn’t ever plan it that way. When I got my first chow chow…I didn’t even know who the hell Martha Stewart was. I just think she needs to stop braiding her lawn and recycling her lemon rinds into heart shaped lingerie drawer potpourri. No one in life really fucking does those things…if you do, go slap yourself silly for me.
Husband gets a huge discount at his new workplace. He can get any building supplies for pennies on the dollar. I’m sure he’s going to be fixing up the house to perfection after my dismissal. Something about that urks me but …*shrugs* I can’t let that stuff get to me. He bought some french doors for the bedrooms and they are so pretty. This house is going to be absolutely beautiful one day. The day I’m gone….hmm… Every apartment I ever lived in…after I left..the complex would come in and completely redo the place for the next person. Maybe that’s what he’s doing.
I had 4 days off and I want more. There’s never enough time. Any amount of “time off” is never enough. I did have a great time though. I got lots of stuff done and had lots of fun. I needed a fun time. I still need more fun. My weekends coming to an end and all in all the last 4 days have been great. I did tons of cool stuff and it was all so needed. I feel fulfilled by life right now and it’s great.
Thanks “just me” (aka the one I’ll never meet) for reading my diary and for signing my guestbook as proof. I think “just me” …that you should get your own diary and start to pour out all your celler-dwellar feelings. Might do you some good…and beside..then we’ll be on a fair playing ground. I agree that I should tell people when I’m busy online, but sometimes I just scroll around on my pc and get lost about where I was. Ever sat with a remote control and hit the up and down buttons so much that you forget what you started out watching. Then a half hour later you remember and the show is over? I have…
I sometimes also think that I bite off more than I can ever chew when I log onto certain chat programs.
I met someone new online this week and he makes me type LOL a go’zillion times in an hour. Tommy. Tommy is way cool and just what the doctor ordered. He’s great. And to date, I have been “brutally honest” with Tommy. Strange too …cause he actually thanked me the first night I spoke to him. He said “you’re so real”. Yeah…I suppose after your lies cut your flesh like razor blades would rip plastic wrap into melting ooze….you learn a fucking thing or two. And get this…he didn’t tell me to go to weight watchers to find love. Imagine that. He told me “I like you just the way you are.” He said “what matters is what’s on the inside.” I suppose everyone has a measuring device for what is ok and what isn’t ok when they are looking for a mate. Size discrimination really isn’t ok by me.
And yet on the other side of that coin…
…….every man I have ever been with has been in shape. I myself never dated a “fat” guy. Never. I can’t say that I made a conscious decision about that. Perhaps in my youth I wasn’t as deep delving as I am now. I was vein and shallow. I wanted a pretty face…a nice ass. Those things haven’t made me happy yet.
Husband is 5’7 155 lbs and wears a size 29 waist jeans. He is not flabby whatsoever. He’s had his moments of temporary gain, but they never last. He was looking really sexy right before his departure for love in another state. He used one of those cheap ab roller wheels you run across the carpeting. I remember last year prior to his escape he was rolling marks all through the carpeting like a mad man. Amazing what new love will make a person do.
My ex-boyfriend Steve (before husband) was 5’11 and about 170 lbs and was loaded down with muscles. He spent hours in the gym. He was ripped and always looked great. I can remember getting black and blue marks on my arms from the strength in his hugs. Yeah..that’s the truth. And every girl I knew was entirely envious of him and I know it was because of his body because he was pretty much a control freak with momma’s boy issues. No one but me who was closest to him could see those things past his pearly white grin, big pecs, and 6-pack abs.
Memory..one day I went to Steve’s house and his mother was cutting up watermelon and painstakingly removing all the seeds. It was summertime, he was in the shower and while I waited for him (he was always late for me….priority problem???) I asked her if she was making fruit salad for a picnic. She in a deadpan voice said to me “No, if I don’t cut it up and remove the seeds Stevie won’t eat it.” When he got out of the shower I told him “When we get married you’ll never be eating watermelon again.” He said “you would do that for me if you loved me.” I’m sorry..no amount of love will ever make me do for someone else something that insane. Needless to say I didn’t marry him. And for the record, he got on one knee and asked. I think that watermelon issue was the reason I sat and cried but said no. I loved him, but I never could see myself replacing that mother of his who left plates of food with micro waving directions taped to the plastic wrap in her absence. I was never going to be a girl that did that stuff. Never. Ask current husband if I’d cut up watermelon and take the seeds out for any man. He’ll drop to the floor in hysterics. I still wonder if some dumb cunt somewhere is taking seeds out Steeevie’s watermelon.
I went to church this morning and found out that my only friend here just left her husband. I sat in the church singing a joyous praising song and prayed for her. I don’t understand how a family can have religion and still not have what it takes to make it work. I’ll never understand…
This novel idea I have…it’s pounding at the edges of my brain tissue with a violence and yet my fingers can’t seem to figure out how to breath life into the beast within. I think I’ll go try again. But somehow I get to the blank white screen and I can’t seem to figure it out any better. I have it inside. It just won’t come out. I’m going to go buy a little tape recorder and just recite it. Hmm…that might work eh. Then I could transcribe it. Now if every other voice in my head would just shut up and let the beast come out.
“I think I could be something amazing if I could just borrow your eyes and take a look at myself for awhile.” - PoeticaL
Achin to be…
PoeticaL
~~~~~~~~~
I could be the drug you can’t resist
And I could be the answer that you missed
-Flickerstick
If my stupid poem could fix this home
I’d read it every day
-Blink 182
This will all fall down like everything else that was
This too shall pass and all of the words we said
We can’t take back
-Matchbox Twenty
It’s amazing how you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all
-Matchbox Twenty
poetical at 6:51 p.m.
and it was here - Saturday, Jun. 19, 2004
hmmm - Tuesday, Jun. 24, 2003
trulypoetic - Tuesday, Oct. 01, 2002
Happy New Year - Monday, Dec. 31, 2001
wastes of space tests - Monday, Dec. 31, 2001