Friday, Nov. 23, 2001

online in name only

Ahhh I’m not the addict everyone thinks I am….63% addicted.

I am 63% ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET.


I am pretty addicted, but there is hope. I think I'm just well connected to the internet and technology, but it's really a start of a drug-like addiction. I must act now! Unplug this computer!

Take the INTERNET-ADDICT Test at Fuali.com!

I turned on my pc last night and turned on all of my chat programs and then I walked away. It was interesting to see who tried to speak to me in my absence and what they had to say. It’s funny when people think they are speaking to you and they’re just speaking to your computer. It’s also ironic to see how many people get pissed off that you’re not answering. I never did that before. It’s fun. I might do it more often. My as well get a persons true colors out in the open.

While people were trying to speak to me last night, I was watching a few movies. One was Coke and Rum. Those kinds of movies are the reason I have such a fucked up view of what love is. They suck.

I was also getting my Christmas decorations out and cleaning my house. I’m only going to be here another month or so. The strange thing for me is I have always liked this house. Every time I clean it, I am reminded how much I actually like it. If I had a digital and if I had gold membership here I would take pics and post them.

It’s a 2 bedroom one bath 1100 square foot house. My bathroom is killer. I have a pedestal sink and there’s bead board on the walls. It’s all done really well. Yeah..husband is definitely a good carpenter. I have my favorite poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” by Robert Frost painted around my wall. The kitchen is all white cabinets and I have a sky painted above the cabinets and birdhouses lined up. I even have a branch from a real tree that came out of my backyard screwed down into the top of the cabinet with a birdhouse hanging from it. It’s all very cool. My bedroom is full of antique furniture. Dressers both are at least 50 years old. Oak. Awesome. I have battenburg lace curtains throughout the house. My sons room is all stenciled with stars and moons and all things from out of this galaxy. He’s got black lights and bright posters and his room looks rather like that of a 16 year old artist/hippie or something. I let him have free reign in there for the most part. He’s got a waterbed and tons of toys and markers all over the place. I love to go lay on his bed when I feel badly inside. It makes me feel like a kid again. And when you turn his ceiling fan on there’s glow in the dark stars glued to it and it all looks so cool when the fan is spinning around in the dark. There’s a laundry room in this house. I always loved that room. I decorated it with old washboards and an antique wooden ironing board hanging on the wall. It’s really a neat room. Unfortunately I have spent too much time in there.

I spent a lot of time and effort on this house the year I moved in with husband. We redid the kitchen and spent hours lovingly pouring ourselves into the four walls that we just bought. In some ways I remember that time with a smile. Me with paint smudges on my face, him with a hammer always in his hand. “Bucky” was always tracking sawdust all over the carpeting. I thought it would never be clean again.

So last night while I was cleaning my house….I was thinking all of these thoughts. It’s all rather like being a senior in high school and you know that your life is about to change. You look around and you always remember the good stuff. You want someone to sign your yearbook and validate your good memories.

The pristine white walls, the cheery yellow happy bedroom. The poetry painted on ceilings. The bookshelves painted with words…it’s all me. This house is and was all me. I will be leaving a part of myself behind. The echo of my souls thoughts will remain long after I am gone.

Husband told me last night that to him I am an amazing women with a cracked smile. I asked what he meant. He said “If you could just smile at the world without feeling your chapped lips you’d be truly happy….you concentrate on the pain far too much.”

Prolific for a guy like him. I actually walked away and wrote that down. In ten years I never wrote down a thing he said to me. Now all the sudden I want to? Makes no sense to me. But damn if he isn’t right about that. My last boyfriend told me that I had being sad mastered to an art form. Ok…so that means both of the men that had the biggest part of my life to date….agree. Fuck!

On our first date husband wrote me a poem on a napkin. I thought he was the most amazing thing pushing that napkin over across the table to me. I lost it somewhere between 14 moves and here. Sad. I can’t remember what it said, but I know it was pretty amazing. I also remember the newspaper clipping the day we got married in Winchester, VA. That day it said “Man gets life for killing wife” in big huge bold letters. I read further and it said that she cheated on him and he killed her in a fit of rage. It always bothered me that that was the headline in the town I married in, on the day I married. Eeerie.

Everyone wants to tell me that there are so many problems because we only knew each other for 2 months. I have decided that yes…that never helped much. But in the end, we made it through almost 11 years. How many marriages in today’s day last that long? Sure they weren’t all happy years and I have outgrown this life. I need to breath again. But I can’t diss the marriage by throwing it at a curb and saying it mattered for nothing. That is just not the case.

I have Bucky. I have an amazing child with an artistic heart. I am a lucky girl. Yes…there have been mountains of problems. I no longer choose to concentrate my efforts on them.

I’m gonna go wash Webster and Nikki. Two doggies getting me all wet with soap and slimey sandy dirt. Bluck. But when I’m all done I’ll be playing on the floor for the next two days with two furry chow chow’s that I swear know how to smile. I read somewhere once after I had them that chow chows have black tongues because when God was putting the stars in the sky they licked away the pieces of the sky that fell. I think that’s the coolest notion ever. My dogs kissed the sky. Maybe that’s why they’re so sweet. I’m going to miss them. But *sigh* I’ll see them often. And it’s not like I can’t grab em and run off to the beach.

“You are what you believe and what you believe you will achieve! – PoeticaL

Achin to be…

PoeticaL

“I tried to forget you

But you tied bells to your name

They jingled every time I thought of you

Without shame

I tried to be unlovable

Why couldn’t you do the same?”

Love Me, Just Leave Me Alone - Jewel

poetical at 3:00 p.m.

previous | next