Thursday, Nov. 22, 2001

a good day

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

Even more importantly

HAPPY 9th BIRTHDAY BUCKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today’s a busy day, but also one of reflection for me. Hey every single day is for me. I’m in a good mood and I am looking forward to the next 4 days off. I had a great time last night with my son. And I thank “Just Me” from my guestbook for your entry in my guestbook and for your wonderful words of wisdom. I added that advice to the very bottom of my diary and it will remain. I will read it daily and I thank you for finally showing me that you are intelligent behind all that perversion! lol

Rhode Island must not be so bad after all….

I appreciate your words. I think it’s strange that you read my diary at all ..uh….we’ll call you Mark…since you have an identity crisis of sorts…lol. Anyways, Mark, I think you are right. I think I did push out a lot of people. I thought it was the “right” thing to do. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. All I know is that the people that really did care for me have remained available to me in the wake of everything. Those were my decisions. I was simply trying to weed out all the crap I was involved in. Sometimes you have to wipe off the entire blackboard in order to come back and see clearly again.

I have new chalk and there is a tomorrow. Sometimes someday never comes,,,and sometimes you have to thank god “for unanswered prayers”. Maybe my someday is somewhere in my tomorrow. Tomorrow is full of new beginnings. I just have to get through today. I will…. I always do.

For now, I am finding myself. I am spending more time writing my novel. I am spending more time with my son. My mouse is missing all of my hand attention I am sure. lol

….

Just got back from my Thanksgiving dinner at the “Cleavers”. Yes…my neighbors. I’ve always called them the Cleavers. They wave and say hello in the mornings like the Cleavers always did. They even have a son! Mrs. Cleaver had Christmas carols playing in the background and as soon as I walked into their house I felt good all over. The smells of the food, the music, the Christmas tree all set up. It all felt so homey and family like. It was just what the doctor ordered. How can one meal with people like that make a person feel so good inside? I don’t know…but it did. And I feel content and happy and peaceful right now. I ate tons of food and I don’t feel guilty about it. I ate all those good things you eat during the holidays. Today is my Body for Life freebie day and so…. It’s not hurting a thing. And Mr. Cleaver had that awesome pumpkin spice coffee and he makes a killer cup of coffee, and it’s been awhile since I indulged in caffeine. “Yumsters” Johnny Mathis singing to me…and a happy smiling son. Who could ask for anything more to be thankful for?

This afternoon made me look forward to Christmas. The plan is I’m staying in the house until after the holidays and then the year 2002 is going to be a new adventure. I am going to strike out and find myself. I am anxious. I am excited. I am surrounding myself with good things. Strong things.

This morning I took a long bath. I was thinking about love and the importance that I have always seemed to place on my relationships with men. I have an idealistic view of love. To me when someone loves you they “do” give up at least something for you. Not because you ever ask, but because they push something else out of their life to make room for you. I realize that I always patch up the cracks in my mind… in an effort to believe that at least one person in my lifetime could be different. No one is perfect. I give people such a big benefit of the doubt that in essence I paint this picture for myself of who they are that just might not be the “big picture” once you put all the puzzle pieces in.

I want arms that hold me when I cry. I want a voice’s breath in my ear when I am happy that says “way to go!” I want someone real. I want someone “in” my life, not just someone in the Netherlands of existence.

But for now I want no one. I want to wrap my arms around myself and be happy with myself. I want to know that anyone that comes along in the future is there because he is a happy addition and not because I am drowning in sadness and clinging on for dear life. I want to know that I have had to push something else in my life aside to make room for him. Not that he has become my life. That is a mistake.

Husband and I are getting along. Oddly enough since I decided to go find myself and get my own place. He’s supportive of my plight to find inner peace and give myself time to make lifelong decisions. I have no intention of running off to an attorney and doing anything “on a whim” anymore. Nope…that is a mistake. I intend to sit down and plan and take some classes and gain my own sense of self worth and independence. He’s supportive of it, and seems to finally understand the depth of the problems between us.

He has his own set of issues that perhaps he can work out without my constant presence. Bucky is and will continue to be loved by two awesome parents regardless. The things I feared at one time, I no longer fear. I am less scared and more anxious to get on with things.

Husband’s allowing me to take what I want from the house, he’s never been materialistic and he said, “look around and then take what you want.” I am planning to get a few of my own things for my new apartment. One of which, is a bed. I want a girly bed. I want a 4-poster bed. And I’m going to get one. I found a bed frame for $45 that’s black wrought iron and I’m going to have a frilly girly bed and that will be the bomb! I already have a mattress I can use. Funny how things fall into place once you tell people your intentions to start over. They come out of the woodwork with all sorts of things.

I think that most people that have known me for some time feel that this event has been too long coming. I am too dependent. Ten years with one constant in your life..be that constant a good thing or a bad thing…can make you feel as though you would be lost without it. It’s hard for anyone that hasn’t had a relationship that long to understand it. Most people I talk to have been in relationships and consider 2 or 3 years to be a long time relationship. Try almost 11 years!

I’m gonna have a swimming pool at the complex and I can’t wait to swim again everyday. Even if it’s cold I’m running down there and doing laps again in the pool every morning. I love to swim. I’ve written some of my best poetry while under water with eyes closed feeling the water’s buoyancy. I don’t like to swim in the ocean and so this will be a good thing.

I am taking my computer and I’m going to work more and more on my book. I can’t wait. But in the meantime I am looking forward to Christmas.

I am currently reading “Sex and the City”, the novel. I bought it at a used bookstore for $5 and so far I’m glad I didn’t spend much more money than that on this stupid book. The book is similar to the show, but without the big hair and costume style dressing…it just pales in comparison.

My next adventure in learning something to do with computers I think is going to be Dreamweaver. I know that BraN will give me pointers if I go to him and ask for help. So….here I go. Tomorrow I’m gonna start reading that book. And I already have it on my computer. So…lets see…

My raise showed up on my check this week. I have only one thing to say….WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Wow…this was a long entry. Now I hope when I hit enter I haven’t lost my connection!

I’m thankful this year that I re-found the love of Jesus in my life. I’m thankful most for the fact that I just survived the toughest one of my life. I am thankful that I finally recognize my own strengths and weaknesses.

I’m also thankful that someone sent me the email that said the following….


Well....it's that time of the year and I would like to say....gobble gobble???? lol* :) Now....for you & Bucky* I'm gonna attempt to say....Well* Wishes* for a wonderful time with " Thanksgiving " in the heart. To see and understand how things are and that we can learn from all that's given....as in displayed* I'm not good with words but there comes a time when one.....has to convey feelings that are felt within* Today* I give thanks to all that's come to past and I give thanks for you as a friend* to have me be a part of your world. PoeticaL* You’re a wonderful lady who I can have a good time with laughters......and I am amazed at your writing skills* I been going onto your site on a daily....It was as if you were writing a newsletter* It's almost better than the " Young & Restless." I'm ribbing ya.....but I do look forward to your thoughts* daily. It's all good.....PoeticaL* All good* !!!! You are a good person and good people will be treated as such....That thing about you lying and stuff*...It's not that important.....It's not !!!!!! People tend to lie....tell a fibber* now & then and considering the source as to where it was from or who it was address to* PoeticaL* Your a friend....and once you are a friend. Friends* understand....Friends* love.....Friends* forgive & forget....and Friends share things that are most precious.....A simple conversation* A hello* PoeticaL....they are all good* You will be okay.....and if your asking me why I keep babbling* It's because.....I call it like it is* Your a good person......and good people tend to succeed....where others* fail* A vote of confidence.......I see nothing but that in you* !!!! I like to think that I am the guy who sits on the corner and loves his beer but I like to think of me as.......a friend* who we both can share a laugh and talk about things without getting all worked up* Welllllllll* you know what I mean.....* PoeticaL* your my pal !!!! Always will be.... :) Now....what's for dinner???? :P Your Internet* SideKick...* Yours truly......taking a bow* ~jon~* uh......* What?????? No message via* Pal...* :P meany !!! Love you g/f.....Huggggggs* Keep touch........and looking forward to reading the daily...*

I’m glad I have a pal that’s kind enough to send me his thoughts. And for the record I didn’t ask for pity and I didn’t tell anyone anything bad to get pity. He simply read my diary and came to his own conclusions.

(and if you’re reading this…why? You don’t want me in your life…remember?)

It’s not about who’s right or wrong or what is or isn’t sometimes. It’s about riding the storms in life and hanging onto the boat in rough waters. I’m glad that someone somewhere can see something good in me. Especially since I strive so damn hard to be good. It’s just hard when everything around you is so ugly to keep a clear mind and do the right things. It just bothers me that “he” doesn’t seem to see the complexity that has been in my life for so long. At least not from where I’m standing. Fuck….I said I wasn’t going to mention him. I just have to find a way to find peace where “he’s” concerned. But I do feel that it’s coming around the bend…

As Paul Westerberg would say …..

“Achin’ to Be”,

PoeticaL



And I'm free, free fallin'

Yeah I'm free, free fallin'

– Tom Petty

poetical at 4:38 p.m.

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