Tuesday, Nov. 20, 2001

I am sorry

“him”: did you come to listen to me

BUZZ!!!

ME: i have nothing to say

“him”: then why are you here

ME: there's someone else in the room I was invited to listen to

“him”: ok

“him”: same room as me in a room w less than 8 ppl .....sounds like another lie

ME: uh....i do know someone else in this room

“him”: you think i can believe anything you say to me anymore?

ME: why ask me then

“him”: true, just to see what you would say

ME: he's gonna sing a song for me I requested and then I'm leaving

“him”: its a free country do what you like

“him”: and dont give me an attitude i dont want it

ME: i'm fine

ME: i'm not mad bothered etc

ME: i have no hard feelings...unlike you

“him”: i can only imagine how many of your so-called friends you told and made me out to be the jerk

ME: I haven't told anyone anything

ME: I'm apparently a much better person than you make me out to be in your own mind.

“him”: tell them the truth tell them how much you lie and cover up to get what you want

ME: I don't blabber anything to anyone but if I were to I would tell them I lied and I was the fuck up in the whole thing. Don't worry. I know who was wrong.

“him”: ok

“him”: i still cant believe you lied to me about "her", right after you lied the first time about your current weight

“him”: if thats how you think of me i seriously doubt we were ever friends

ME: you always made me feel like I wasn't good enough just the way I was

“him”: hell with that.....not good enough....no excuse to stoop to down that level

ME: i agree

“him”: i knew your real weight by then and you were on a diet

ME: look...I fucked up...I admit it wholey and freely

“him”: your just a fat liar

ME: yes...in your case...yes

“him”: no its gone passed that you need to check yourself in a hospital or see if you can get a diploma from the *husband’s name* institute of lieing

ME: ok

Yahoo! Messenger: “him” has logged back in. (11/20/01 at 9:01 PM)

ME: hahahaha that's funny I can follow someone around

“him”: you can follow me around anywhere you want ......online

ME: nah

ME: i'm gone

ME: i have stuff to do

“him”: good

“him”: bye

ME: you really should let go of all that anger

ME: it's unhealthy

“him”: im healthy as can be

“him”: you just didnt turn out who you claimed to be

“him”: your living a false identity

ME: not anymore

ME: i came clean

ME: I don't lie to anyone anymore

ME: it was just you

“him”: you wouldnt know what clean was if Mr. Clean himself came to your door

ME: “she” told me some interesting storys and you lied to me too according to her.

ME: the last two lies I told you came after those discussions with her

“him”: what did i tell you about her

“him”: in my last email

“him”: save the trip

ME: well you don't seem to understand why I lied to you so I'm telling you so that you know

“him”: because its your nature

ME: wrong

ME: because I felt like you were playing me for a fool

“him”: you lived with one so long you became one

ME: I signed a lease today

ME: moving in on December 1st

“him”: good

ME: I freely admit he fucked with my head

“him”: he had nothing to do with you lieing to me

ME: yeah that had to do with her

ME: the stuff she told me

ME: she told me that you and her were more than friends

ME: that you talked seriously to her about a relationship

“him”: you over the year and half covered up alot of shit

ME: then changed your mind at the last minute

“him”: im only gonna say this once

“him”: if her i was so close why didnt we meet when she was here

“him”: she drove to fucken “his state”

ME: I don't know

“him”: because i wasnt interested in her that way

ME: She wouldn't answer that when I asked her

“him”: duhhhhhhhhhhh

ME: she just said that you led her on

ME: and then you dumped her

ME: what was I saying to you for the last 2 months?

“him”: oh ya ......she came here thinking she was gonna sleep with me

ME: I kept saying "you're gonna go to (a certain state) and forget me"

ME: where do you think that line came from?

ME: came straight from her

“him”: that line is correct

ME: I never told you because I said I wouldn't talk to her

“him”: i only need good ppl around me

ME: she forwarded emails to me

ME: then...you did the same shit

ME: same behavior

“him”: no losers, not liars, not cheaters and not gossipers

ME: i never showed her a thing you sent me

ME: know why I went and talked to her?

ME: I went to tell her that I was sorry she lost your friendship

“him”: because you do things behind my back

ME: she proceeded to try to give me a thousand reasons not to trust you

ME: 1. I agree I lied to you and that's fucked and it's wrong.

“him”: ya i heard that before

“him”: only this time its a new lie

ME: 2. I did go talk to her behind your back and thats wrong too and by the time I figured that out..it was too late.

ME: I freely admit to you and to anyone that I fucked up.

ME: you didn't do anything wrong

“him”: you know what

ME: and I have nothing bad to say about you

“him”: she was my friend and none of your fucken business

ME: your right

ME: but you yourself made it my business

“him”: you crossed the line way to many times

ME: I know

“him”: ive had it and its done

ME: I know

“him”: no you can have your little group of friends circle you while your sitting on the pitty pot feelings sorry for you

ME: no

“him”: but it was all your doing

ME: that's not what I"m doing

ME: I haven't talked to anyone about this.

“him”: like i believe that

ME: I have nothing bad to say about you.

ME: Ask around.

“him”: you just told me another lie

ME: I seriously have nothing bad to say.

“him”: oh lets see

“him”: how about the guy from england

“him”: does he know what happen

“him”: and of course he has an opinon

“him”: poor poor kristy

“him”: because she only tells one side

ME: wrong

“him”: i read your fucken diary

ME: he feels badly for me because he knows I"m hurting

“him”: i read the entry

“him”: you cant take it back

“him”: nobody should do that to kristy is what he said

ME: I didn't discuss it with him

“him”: but kristy did it to herself

ME: he said that no one should hurt me

ME: period

ME: I never discussed you and I with him or anyone else for that matter.

“him”: she dont know what love is because shes still dependent and puts her faith in lies

“him”: making up shit

“him”: going behind ppls back and talking about them

“him”: then acting like she did nothign wrong

“him”: devious person

ME: I haven't acted like I did nothing wrong.

ME: Not at all.

“him”: you jumped up and down and said you never talked to her once

ME: I have stated repeatedly that I lied to you.

“him”: ever

“him”: lieing right to my face

ME: I have said that it's wrong.

“him”: your full of lies

“him”: and full of shit

ME: I'm not arguing with you.

ME: I suck.

“him”: ive had it with you

ME: thought you didn't read my diary

ME: hmm....

ME: would that make you a liar too?

“him”: no

“him”: i didnt before

“him”: it was clear to give me the fucken url so there was no question about it

ME: why start now?

“him”: get a fucken clue

“him”: because i knew you would cry cry cry to your so-called imaginary friends

ME: I haven't done that.

ME: in fact I freely said in my diary that I lied to you

ME: that I was the wrong one

“him”: ive read what you wrote about me

ME: which was what?

“him”: blame me for losing touch with your kid... get real

ME: no I blame myself

ME: not you

ME: I never said it was your fault

“him”: you called the mess him......correction i was never the mess you are

ME: ok I'll give you that

“him”: just tell the fucken truth to your audiance

“him”: There’s nothing like getting a smile when you need one. BraN says that “he” is wrong to hurt a person like me. Of course I want to embrace that notion because it makes me feel better. But that’s not true.

ME: well...seee

ME: I said it's not true

ME: you are not the wrong one

ME: doh

“him”: that wasnt my point

ME: I am

ME: I am

ME: I am

ME: I am the wrong one

ME: I fucked up

ME: I lied to you

ME: I didn't believe that you ever could care about me.

“him”: you told him everything

ME: Period.

ME: I did NOT tell him everything

ME: He called me at work. I talked to him for a half hour.

ME: if that

ME: probably more like 15 minutes

ME: I said I was upset.

ME: I said you ended things.

ME: I said I lied to you.

ME: He said if you cared about me you'd try to be more understanding of my current situation.

ME: I defended you.

ME: Period.

ME: I've fucking defended you this entire time.

ME: I think you're an amazing person.

ME: I think I'm fucked up and I never deserved you.

ME: There.

ME: That's what I feel.

“him”: you dont have to brag me up just dont put the blame of you losing touch with your kid on me

ME: I didn't mean it that way.

ME: I'm sorry it came across that way.

ME: all I can tell you is that you left

ME: you had reasons

ME: you're not upset

ME: I am

ME: I'm upset.

ME: I'm trying to work through it all.

ME: cut me a break

“him”: Gonna go get stuff and bake cookies with Bucky tonight. All of this mess called “him” and I lost touch with my own kid.

That’s sad. It will never happen again. No one in life is worth that.

“him”: look at that

“him”: you put the blame on me

ME: well it is a big mess

ME: but you're not the mess

ME: I just didn't word it so great.

ME: I still don't understand why you're reading my diary now.

ME: hey

ME: if you could write something in there what would you write?

There was no answer….So….here I am. Admitting fully to the world. I fucked it all up. I couldn’t believe in myself enough to do the “right” things. “He” wasn’t the cause of anything bad. I was. And as for my son…if he paid a price, it was by my own doings and I never meant that “he” did anything wrong by my son. Just meant to say that this entire thing has taken its toll. No one else is to blame but me.

I have nothing more in my life to hide. I got all tangled up in something I wasn’t ready for. And something that I couldn’t handle properly. I personally fucked up. As for BraN. He was never told the entire story as I only had a chance to speak to him briefly. Long distance from England is quite expensive. I'm sure he'll read this link when I send it to him.

Don’t lie. Don’t hide things from people that are trying to be there for you.

I fucked up. How many times do I have to admit it? “He’s” a good person who truly didn’t do anything wrong. I believe “he” hates me for lying to him. I believe I gave him justifiable cause to be through with me.

I don’t want pity from anyone. I just want to get my head screwed back on straight. Period.

And for whatever it’s worth. I did want to listen to him sing. Shoot me…I can’t switch off my feelings in a matter of days. But I was in fact invited in the room by someone who wanted to sing for me that no longer frequents another chat program.

Whatever....this all makes me feel like shit. God gave me something good. I destroyed it. I did. No one else.

I had something that just always seemed too amazing for someone like me to ever have. No one elses fault but my own. I continue to apologize to him because I am truly sorry.

poetical at 10:09 p.m.

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